B – Bad Mom Moments: When I Felt Like I Was Failing You

My dear Penguin,

One time, you were a little boy playing cricket at the playground, among children of all ages. It was to be fun, but for three consecutive days, it wasn’t. You got bullied. On one day, you were punched in the face. On another day, you scraped your knees. You returned home, tearful eyes pleading with me to intervene, to go to the playground and restore order.

But I didn’t.

I took another way. Instead of doing your fighting for you, I wanted you to learn how to defend yourself. I insisted, (read forced,) you to push back, not with your fists but with your wits. I taught you how to make them recognize that they needed you, how they couldn’t just shove you off to the side. I instructed you to tell them that no team can afford to lose a speed runner, particularly with the society games approaching during Holi.

It wasn’t simple. You wept. You begged. You felt I was failing you. And perhaps, in that moment, I was.

But I needed you to be resilient, because today I stand with you, but tomorrow, I may not be standing right beside you. You had to learn to fight back. Not just on that playground but on life.

It lasted eight months.

Eight long months before all of you began playing together in harmony once again. And during those months, there were moments when I made false assumptions about you.

Such as when you fell down the stairs, and rather than soothing you, I just figured you were making it up. Or when I lost my temper and yelled at you like a crazy person and hurt you in ways that even now I regret.

But while I was trying to make you stronger, I sometimes forgot that you were still just a child who needed his mother to hold him, not always push him.

I regret the night shifts when work kept me late, and I was forced to drop you off at your grandparents’ care. I regret when my fatigue overshadowed my love.

I also observed changes in you. Some I was proud of, some I was concerned about. You developed a sharp wit, learning to manipulate people’s words to accomplish what you needed. A tool that, when used correctly, could serve you well in life, but if used selfishly, particularly for things like TV, mobile phone for games, was one I did not want to support.

I don’t compare you to others, but I do sometimes revisit memories of when you were my little goofball, before the world started shaping you in ways beyond my control. I hope you understand, my love, that everything I did was for you, for me, for us.

I know there were times when you felt I was too strict with you. Like when you cut classes or missed your Taekwondo practice because you were playing. And perhaps I was.

But one day, when you have a child of your own, you will see that parenting is not about being perfect.

It’s about learning and growing, just like you.

No matter how much you grow, I’ll always see the little boy who ran into my arms after a long day of play, who found comfort in me even when I was far from perfect.

Love,
Maa

I’m participating in #BlogchatterA2Z