D – Daddy vs. Mommy: Different Parenting Styles and What Really Works

My beloved Penguin,

I still recall that particular evening, when I came home after a long, tiring day, anticipating you to be irked and demanding, “Maa, why did you return late today?” But to my surprise, I saw a beaming small boy with a kulfi in his hand, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

I did not even need to ask. I knew precisely what had transpired.

You’d gone to Bapa, fully aware that if you’d asked me, I would have said a definite no.

And there you were, triumphant, and I was standing there in shock. Somewhere, I knew it was coming, sigh!

If there was ever a game you excelled at early on, it was “Who to ask first?”, a game of strategy in our home.

And let’s be real, most of the time, you played it well. Your Bapa and I, though we loved you both with the same heart, had very different parenting styles.

Where I thought discipline, structure, and learning from failure were key, he thought freedom, discovery, and encouraging your natural tendencies were the way to go.

If I believed that skipping a taekwondo class was a serious thing, Bapa believed that missing one would not shatter the world. If I made it a point to complete homework first, he’d tell me, “Let him play, he’ll be fine.”

And if I believed in saying “no” for your own long-term benefit, he sometimes believed in saying “yes” just to see the sparkle on your face.

We were both correct. We simply viewed the world from two different perspectives.

Parenting is a journey of self-discovery.

Not only yours but also ours. We weren’t only raising you.

We were finding ourselves in the process, learning who we wanted to be as parents, where we disagreed, and how to meet in the middle for your benefit. Although we differed in our approach, we always shared the same intention – to raise you up into a good, capable, and independent person.

Did you know that the term ‘parenting’ was derived from the Latin term Pario, which means “to give life”?

But giving life isn’t all about birth—it’s about guiding, moulding, and being with you as you walk your own way. And it’s not a one-man task at that. Grandparents, teachers, relatives, even friends—we are all part of the parenting circle.

You are the quintessence of all these influences, and our task was not to try to control what you turned out to be but to guide you to find out for yourself. Learnt the hard way.

Your Bapa strongly believed in this philosophy, “that children should not be shaped to meet their parents’ expectations but allowed to grow as they do themselves”. I, however, followed the timeless wisdom that “discipline creates strength”.

There’s a Sanskrit subhāṣita that states, “Too much pampering spoils the child, but discipline helps them develop good qualities.” And thus, we’d frequently find ourselves in a tug-of-war—me desiring to impart lessons through structure, and him being convinced the world itself would educate you.

There were moments when I questioned myself.

When work kept me late, and I wasn’t home as much as I desired to be. When I screamed because I was tired, not because you did something really bad.

When I imposed curfews on you while your friends had none, and I wondered if I was being too harsh. I wondered if my parenting decisions would make you hate me one day.

But looking back, I know this, every decision, every argument, every rule, and every moment of indulgence was because we both loved you deeply and wanted the best for you.

And you? You were our best teacher.

You showed us that parenting is not about deciding between one philosophy or the other—it’s about balance.

There were days when you required Bapa’s leniency. There were days when you required my structure. And on most days, you likely required neither and just wanted to do your own thing.

So, the next time you are deciding how to raise your own kid, I hope you remember.

it’s never about getting it right, just getting it right in your own way.

As Kanchi Mahaperiyava mentioned, “Parenting is the art and science of making the next generation”.

And if you ever need guidance, I’ll be here, with or without Kulfi.

Love,

Maa

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