Perhaps I was living under a rock until, at a family get-together, my cousin described her husband as having a typical Raja Beta syndrome. The conversation soon took off, with more women joining in and sharing their experiences. I found myself travelling into the future for a moment, wondering, “Would Penguin’s future partner feel the same way someday? Or would he be happy with the Papa Ki Pari she got?”
These phrases often come up with a little humour, a little sarcasm and perhaps a bit of truth. A boy pampered by his mother is called a Raja Beta, while a girl adored by her father becomes Papa Ki Pari.
But what exactly are we criticising? The love and affection parents shower on their children, or what happens when children grow up believing that everyone around them must adjust to their needs? There is nothing wrong with being someone’s little prince or princess. Every child deserves to feel loved and protected. But I do think there is a difference between pampering a child and raising one who feels entitled.
As a mother raising a boy, this is something I think about consciously. For me, raising boys with respect and responsibility starts with helping them understand that independence, empathy and equality are part of everyday life.
And I know this isn’t something that can be taught through one big conversation. It begins with the little things we do at home. Children learn as much from what they see as what we tell them
When I think about my Bapa (father), I feel my grandparents did a decent job of raising him. Hopefully, Maa would agree too! I am reminded of a dialogue from the series Dur-e-Shawar, “My father was a great parent, but I don’t know how he was as a husband.” It stayed with me because being a good parent and being a good partner are not necessarily the same thing. Children notice how we treat each other and how we share responsibilities.
Penguin is fortunate to have a father who doesn’t just talk about these things but practises them. He is a great cook. Penguin watches him in the kitchen and sometimes joins him. He sees his father clean up without being asked and take responsibility for household chores because this is his home too. He isn’t helping me or doing me a favour. He is taking care of a home he shares with us.
And I have noticed Penguin picking up these habits. He has started helping with laundry, house cleaning and even chopping vegetables. I can tell him a hundred times that household responsibilities belong to everyone. But when he sees his father doing these things, the lesson becomes real.
Teaching Boys to Take Responsibility at Home
I want Penguin to understand that a home doesn’t run on its own. Someone cooks, cleans, organises and remembers the little things that keep everyday life moving. Running a home isn’t just about visible chores. It also means remembering and planning. Penguin has started taking responsibility for his school project work and form submissions. He even knows which medicines we usually keep stocked at home for a tummy ache, a cold or the flu. He is still learning, and we adults remain responsible for managing medicines, but I like that he is beginning to understand what goes into looking after everyday needs.
Of course, there are days when doing everything myself is much easier. It takes less time, less explaining and considerably less patience! But if I keep doing everything because it’s quicker, when will he learn?
I also strongly believe every child should know their way around a kitchen. Cooking is a life skill, not a gender-specific responsibility. I want Penguin to know how to prepare a meal, feed himself and appreciate the effort that goes into planning, cooking and cleaning up.
You might like reading making the kitchen child-friendly, things toddlers can do in the kitchen and why the kitchen is the best classroom.
I don’t want him to grow up thinking that doing a household chore makes him exceptionally helpful. These are simply things everyone sharing a home should know how to do.
Learning to Notice and Appreciate Care
Watching K-dramas and C-dramas, and noticing all those green flags we appreciate in the characters, has made me think about this even more. We often teach children to say please and thank you. Those manners matter, but appreciating care goes beyond polite words. Someone remembers what you like to eat, notices when you’re unwell, keeps track of school requirements or listens when you’ve had a difficult day. Much of this care happens so naturally that we barely notice it.
I want Penguin to notice.
I want him to understand that the people who love him also have bad days and moments when they need looking after. His mother doesn’t stop being a person with her own needs simply because she is his mother. I’ve noticed little glimpses of this in Penguin already. He has rushed to send classwork to a friend who missed school and brought a Band-Aid to a sports buddy who got injured.
These may seem like small things, but they make me happy. They tell me he is beginning to notice when someone needs help.
Raising Emotionally Intelligent Boys
Many of us have grown up hearing expressions like boys don’t cry or be a man. I don’t want Penguin to believe that he must hide his sadness, suppress his fears or turn every disappointment into anger. He is allowed to cry, feel scared, get frustrated and be upset. But emotions don’t give us permission to hurt others. Being angry is okay. Making someone feel small isn’t.
As he grows older, I also want him to understand boundaries and rejection. Someone may disagree with him, not want to spend time with him or not return his feelings. These things can hurt, but they don’t give us the right to make another person uncomfortable.
We often tell boys to respect women. And rightly so. But respect goes beyond a rule. It means recognising that a woman’s time, ambitions and choices matter. It means respecting privacy, understanding personal boundaries and knowing that no means no, even when we don’t like the answer.
And what happens when he sees someone else being disrespectful? Perhaps his friends make a sexist joke or someone is being bullied. Does he laugh along because everyone else is doing it? I don’t expect him to be a hero in every situation. I simply want him to recognise when he can make a difference and not look away because staying silent is easier.
In my earlier post, The Goddess We Worship, The Women We Forget, I explored the contradiction between celebrating women as goddesses and how women are treated in everyday life. I think some of these contradictions begin much closer to home than we realise.
Modelling Equality and Healthy Partnerships
I would love to say that I follow all these principles perfectly. I don’t. There are days when I do things for Penguin because it’s quicker, and moments when I lose patience. We are all learning along the way. But I hope he grows up understanding that a partnership isn’t about keeping score or expecting someone to adjust all the time. It is about two people noticing each other, making space for each other’s needs and sharing the ordinary responsibilities of life.
I have seen this in the way my parents have shared their lives, and Penguin has seen it in the way his father and I share ours. We may not get everything right, but I hope these everyday examples stay with him. Ultimately, I don’t want him to learn about partnership only through conversations. I want him to have seen what it looks like while growing up.
I want him to be independent enough to look after himself, sensitive enough to notice when someone needs help and secure enough to accept that he isn’t always going to get his way.
I don’t want to raise a boy who knows how to treat women well only when they are his mother, sister or partner. I want him to understand that every person deserves respect, consideration and kindness.
Perhaps that’s what raising a boy beyond the Raja Beta mindset really means.
Not loving him any less, but helping him understand that he is not the only person in the world who deserves to be loved, cared for and accommodated.
