If you are a parent, you know what we are going to talk about. As a parent, we all feel constantly judged. Judged the way turn pregnant, crossed the pregnancy phase to holding a newborn. Actually, it never stops. Judging your parenting decisions, the way you look, your work-life etc would follow you everywhere. Even more than the pug in Vodafone commercials. Not funny? Okay! Moving on.
According to a poll, 6 in 10 mothers of children ages 0-5 say they have been criticized about parenting, on everything from discipline to breastfeeding, according to a new report from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health at the University of Michigan. The report is based on responses from a national sample of 475 mothers with at least one child between ages 0-5.
Assuming if the judging happens only to mothers? Think again. Fathers are also criticized over their decisions. Former face it more rampant fashion compared to later. Breastfeeding vs bottle, co-sleeping vs crib, sleep training, potty (eye-roll), tantrums (eye-roll touches ceiling) everything single thing is under the radar.
Haven’t we all heard about this? Celebrity mom Soha Ali Khan posted a cute picture with her baby on vacation and Netizens took the liberty to judge her appearance.
What is parent-judging? Mom(dad)-judging
Parent judging is when other people (family, relatives, friends and strangers) come up with talks, varying from correcting to shaming on the ways of parenting done, creating a stir of thoughts. Thoughts can be on improvement or self-doubt.
This happens across the socio-economic background, diverse culture, and countries.
When people come across a judgement, we are quick to label it as shaming. True most of the case the receiver end does question themselves if they are doing it right.
We are learning to parent. It has evolved over the years. Learning from others experience saves time and energy. Directing us to “It takes a village to raise a child”. So, well-intended advice delivered with positive words does help parents. Like one underwent trouble with a toddler and states what works for them, leading the other parent see an option which “might” work well. This is when we discover corrective ones done with love and caring attitude in relationships.
In the other end, when we face criticism on decisions, and self-doubt our capabilities. We find ourselves facing the shaming impact hard, which do have a chain reaction with children too. Children watch our actions and behaviour and learn. They choose to ignore our words. When we take every judged word to heart and soul, in future they would take every word thrown at them. Read body image, career choices, almost every action of theirs. While we take so much effort of raising them independent confident, our action of self-doubt does impact negatively. Not immediately, but it grows slowly.
Why parents are judged?
Parents are judged by people in the middle of road, vacation and corners of the bedroom. Every spot you know off. Few are corrective ones and major can be called shaming. The former one is done to help.
Parent shaming
Parent-shaming is done in abundant because it is EASY. It takes no effort to throw casual remarks. You don’t have to attempt ways of offering comfort or peace.
“…research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
We often forget that parenting is not a competition. When we compare, we shrink our thoughts. We judge others choices as it avoids the inner work.
Humans are wired to look at the window. The window gets stained, dust collects over time and needs cleaning. Cleaning helps us look outside the window.
A parent can face shaming for wearing a toddler. They were worn to calm down the overwhelmed child. But the person jumping on shaming might not have received an opportunity to wear the baby ever and had other solutions that help. They jump into action caring for baby, skipping the parent’s mental well being and do pass remarks unconsciously.
What’s next?
A lot of judgement is done unconsciously. Can you raise your hand saying you-never-ever judged a parent? NO.
Is it possible to have the Parents-Mutual-Admiration club? Yes. Somewhere in a future time when every human has achieved Nirvana.
Until then, consider other words but thicken your skin as well. Acknowledge judgements with that brilliant smile of yours and move on. To act or react is your choice.
And, oh yes, have you ever been ridiculed by a non-parent, who babysit their cousins or niece/ nephew or are educationally qualified but don’t have one in their lap? Yes, poor ones. They don’t know what it takes to be a parent. Be it biological or adoptive. Let them face the storm when the cross that bridge. They would remember every remark they passed after having a baby.
This post is a part of the conversation about “Dilemma faced by modern parents in the early years of childhood”.
I am taking my blog to the next level with Blogchatter’s #MyFriendAlexa.
Picture sources – Gerd Altmann from Pixabay and Julie Johnson on Unsplash
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Absolutely relevant post. people are there to judge no matter one does what be it parent or non-parent. But may be it’s how we evolve as an individual at times.
Parents are judged because you they are not appreciated. Unfortunately we think it’s cool to judge and uncool to appreciate
Well said, Aishwarya. It’s actually cool to appreciate parents.
When a child is born, it gives birth to its parents too…we all are learning to deal with the changing environment. Parenting style in 90, 80’s were totally different from now.
We should ignore the judgemental talks by the people around us because they don’t know what hard work parents go through
We need to remember two things. Not let other people affect our decisions and we should ourselves stop judging others.
sometime what I feel is that the women are the most of the biggest Enemies of other woman and that’s how the mum is always judge on her looks. While travelling she should look fabulously but I don’t believe it in because I can’t do that even when I am with my daughter sometime I forget that I have in combed my hair so there are people who will judge you and we should not care about them
I strongly feel that every parent and their parenting style is different and no one has any right to judge them.
Well Said Pragnya, Juding parents is not something new its been happening since ages, just because we live in a digital era, the sharing and shaming is now muli-fold
parents are judged for everything – their choices, their methods, the food they feed, how they feed. sometimes i wish people just stuck to their own lives only!
yes parents face judgements all the time and it is quite disturbing also. i fell there are no rights and wrongs in parenting unless one is going drastically wrong.
Early childhood years can be quite a learning experience for parents too. And why should we be so judgemental is a good point you brought out.
This is really important topic to discuss I don’t know why people and keep searching mothers parents. We all are learning and have our own ways to grow our children, why to judge and make other uncomfortable.
It’s interesting that you have picked this topic Pragnya, and of course I have felt judged as a parent too, but quite honestly we are judged all the time, in every aspect and every role of our lives. I personally don’t think it has anything to do specifically with parenting- it has more to do with people being so judgmental in general.
no doubt we parents are always judged no matter how ever efforts we put in our kids developments .. a well written post.
I really feel bad for people who judge others parenting.most of time their parenting fails
I wasnt aware that parents get judged too, this is a touchy topic and needs to be talked about a lot! ☺?
You picked the most hurting zone of this era buddy, what a pain it is to be constantly judged
True. Very well written Article. Judgement never stops infact I would say we all participate but the level varies. Parenting is a personal area and should not be judged
Well pointed, Niyati. We all do participate in judging at different levels. Thanks for stopping by.
Very well written post! True, we as parents are judged at every step. What we are doing? How we are doing? I think every child is different and their parenting style may be different.
I agree with you. Parents are judged everywhere and only few are correct and rest is shaming. I am glad that you wrote this post because a lot of parents will be enlightened with this.
Glad to hear your words Paresh. Thank you.
A very thoughtful post! Let the world become better for the next generation!
Amen!
Glad you threw light on this topic, Pragnya! As a mother for 10+ years now, I encounter judgement each and every day. It’s a thankless job really even though satisfying. 🙂
How well you put this, Tina! Parenting is indeed satisfying
I am parenting for half-a-decade now and the one thing, which I have learnt during these years is how to ignore this judgmental breed. Ignoring is intelligent! #MyFriendAlexa #DigiMotherReads @blogchatter
https://digimother.com/
That’s a smart move Neha
Sharing baby picture on sm is dangerous and has privacy implications.What I do is ignore most of these issues and ignore those who judge me!
Oh god! I have lived through some sheer crap with people commenting on my parenting skills. #myepicareads #MyFriendAlexa
How do you handle it Pratibha?
This is a very well written post Pragnya. I go through it all the time and it is really frustrating because poeple judge you for everything.
Thank you for the appreciation Simrit